Study: Writers Of Satirical News Articles Make Ideal Lovers

The study shows that writers of satire are among the most attractive people not currently residing in the Greek pantheon.

WESTWOOD – A recent study conducted at UCLA has determined that writers of satirical news articles tend to make ideal lovers. “More than any other group we studied, we found that people who write articles satirizing and skewering contemporary society tend to make exceptional and tender lovers,” said James Ellis, one of the conductors of the study.

Satirical writers proved to be proficient in such tested areas as emotional maturity and sensitivity. “Without a doubt, they are the most loving, open and mature lovers there are. They also scored exceptionally high marks in sensual backrubs and remembering your parents’ birthdays.”

According to the study, they are also notably skilled sexually. “Their sexual stamina is practically unparalleled. They can go for round-two’s, round-three’s, and so on. Ready to go wherever and whenever.” Participants in the study reported 100% satisfaction.

The results of the study have unequivocally proven that comical writers will give you a lifetime of happiness, love and fulfillment, said Ellis. “In my personal opinion, they’re like the ultimate love machines. Caring, compassionate and real damn sexy.”

At press time, members of The Westwood Enabler wanted to know if it hurt when you fell from heaven and wondered if you wanted to get dinner sometime.