Scientists Begin Construction On Robots That Will Eventually Conquer Humanity

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by Nathan Guzik
Robotics Engineers at MIT have made substantial progress on a revolutionary new model of robot, expected to attain sentience and enslave all the races of men by 2029. “This is a landmark achievement,” said Ricardo Villanueva, head engineer of the project. “It’s inspiring to think that, one day, with enough well-intentioned yet ethically vacuous coding and programming, these little ‘bots could be smashing the skulls of the last bastion of resistance, at the end of a 20 year, blood-soaked robopocalypse. Plus, they will act as mobile WiFi hotspots!” The project has involved top robotics specialists from around the world, to ensure that international compatibility issues do not in any way hinder the eventual slaughter of all that is mankind.
“It’s so exciting to know that we’re doing something that will truly change the world,” said second project director Hilde Grafzahl, who, at the time was fitting the robot with a high powered death ray and English to Spanish translation abilities. “Some people are afraid of not knowing how the future will unfold. I think we’ve taken enormous steps towards making the future a lot less uncertain.”
While the robots are not expected to hit the shelves until 20I6, a demonstration for investors last Saturday was able to showcase some of their more impressive functions, as 3 executives had their spines removed from their person and a small robot boogie dance sequence was performed.