WEST ORANGE, NJ — In a series of tweets this morning, President Donald J. Trump added to his statements earlier this month regarding a revised travel ban that included the countries Chad, North Korea, Iraq, and Venezuela, among others. Trump revealed that he now intends to include the state of New Jersey in his halt on people entering the United States.
“New Jersey has long been a thorn in the side of our country. Now is the time to #MAGA and keep those sons of bitches out.”
Trump went on to attack the opposition’s stance on the Garden State.
“#CrookedHillary won NJ, but I won the presidency by a wide margin. To drain the swamp, I have to ban NJ. Sad!”
When asked about this sudden shift in policy, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders doubled down on the president’s statements, citing a need for more extensive policy.
“Right now, we are working on a basic plan to exclude any residents of that filthy state from the union. Then we will focus on a potential ban on Italian sandwiches, large furniture stores, and guys named Al.”
Opponents mobilized quickly in response to this shocking new development. Most notably, Nicole Polizzi, better known as Snookie of “Jersey Shore” fame, took up the battle cry for all New Jerseyans.
“From Bayonne to Trenton, from Atlantic City to Jersey City, from Al’s Italian Deli to Tommy’s Italian Deli, let our proclamation be heard!” she exclaimed atop a pile of old Twinkie wrappers. “We will not stand down and let Trump treat us like third class citizens. We are from New Jersey! At worst, we’re second class citizens!”
Polizzi plans to make an impassioned plea to the people of the world where she will highlight “the beauty of Newark’s methane wafting into the ether” later this week at the Emmys via video message.
More controversy has arisen as a result of this policy as well. Some raise the claim that Trump may have colluded with New Jersey in his 2016 presidential campaign, as he has a casino on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Others note that he used New Jersey native Bruce Springsteen’s hit “Born in the U.S.A.” at one of his campaign rallies.
Whatever the result of these accusations, Trump’s New Jersey travel ban is close to being instituted.
When asked to comment, New Yorker and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer aligned himself with the president.
“A travel ban on New Jersey? Now I think that’s something everyone can get behind.”