ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of Halloween candy. The strawberry Wonka Laffy Taffy and fun sized Milky Way are the last remnants of Kelly’s most successful Halloween season to date.
“I don’t really know what to say. I guess the thirty-first was a pretty good night for me,” said Kelly while proudly licking melted chocolate out of the Milky Way’s wrapper, “I pulled in three whole pillowcases and one of Mom’s canvas Trader Joe’s bags worth of product.”
When asked what strategy he attributed this achievement to, Kelly revealed that this year’s success was entirely owed to a new multi-stash approach that he enacted to optimize his candy retention.
“In distributing the candy across multiple hidden stashes throughout my house, the candy was able to weather through my older sister’s breakup, my Dad’s sweet tooth, my pup Spot’s sniffer, and all those nights with my sneaky babysitter.”
Kelly added that in order to achieve this record it also took an unprecedented amount of self restraint. “I had a strict two piece a day regimen which I only strayed away from twice: once on my birthday in November, and then again after a real rough hand ball game back on February 8th.” At press time, Kelly was seen burying his leftover Easter candy in the back yard.