WESTWOOD — Church attendance across the United States has completely halted after a local atheist, under the username “yungkarlm4rx420,” posted an anti-religious picture on Reddit. The image is a headline from the recent New Zealand shooting, with the caption “Where is your God now?”
“I’ve been studying and preaching the Bible thoroughly for over 50 years,” stated John MacArthur, head pastor of Grace Community Church, “but I’ve never thought about how evil could exist. Obviously, the only answer to this phenomenon is that the Bible is a sham, and no kind of Creator could possibly exist.”
This conclusion has evidently affected religious activity worldwide, with reporters noting that tens of thousands of missionaries have stopped building churches in Africa and are instead beginning to build vape shops, tattoo parlors, and specialty shops designed solely for septum piercings.
“I’m glad I was able to be part of this incredible leap forward in civilization.” stated m4rx, scratching his clammy neck stubble. “I’m glad all those sheep don’t blindly follow an invisible man in the sky anymore. Now they’re doing the intellectual thing by basing all their opinions on Reddit, like me!”
At press time, m4rx was seen drafting a new post, proving that there is no way a fish could swallow a man whole.