How To Know If Your Boyfriend Is Inbred

Dating is a scary activity. One minute, you and your boyfriend are laughing around the dinner table. But what’s that? Uh oh! His jaw. Is that an underbite? Is that a Southern drawl you hear? Could he be… inbred? We at the Enabler understand your concerns, so here are some signs your boyfriend might be inbred:

1. His parents are cousins.

Yeah, if the children of Great-Aunt Sally and Great-Aunt Martha got married and begat your honey bun, you’re in trouble.

2. His parents are siblings.

If his mommy and daddy are brothie and sistie, and he looks exactly like both of them, there’s a decent chance he’s inbred.

3. He’s a pug.

First of all, you sick fuck, why are you dating a dog? You’ve got bigger problems than inbreeding. Get some therapy, do some critical thinking, and realize that the snuffling you hear from his little dog airways is a sign of generations of nasal-passage-erasing inbreeding.

4. He’s King Charles II of Spain.

Your snookums is four feet tall. He has such a prominent Hapsburg lip that he can’t swallow. He was born in 1661. His mommy’s a Hapsburg. His daddy’s a Hapsburg. His aunties and uncles and grandparents are Hapsburgs. If you’re dating him, you’re probably also a Hapsburg. He might be rich, but he’s VERY inbred. And also very old and very dead.

5. He’s YOUR cousin.

If you guys are incesting, his parents probably were, too.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.