Domino’s Announces Free Eye Drops Now Included With Large Pizza

Graphic by Sara Pearson

ANN ARBOR, MI – On Thursday, Domino’s Pizza Chief Operating Officer Russell Weiner announced that customers will now receive complimentary eye drops with their delivery of large pizzas. “Our research teams noticed a strange trend in that many young people who answer their doors have clearly irritated retinas,” explained Weiner, who was recently tasked with improving satisfaction for this overwhelming majority of the company’s customer base. According to delivery workers, these customers were also more likely to have difficulty communicating and slower reaction times. “We simply have to do what’s right for our customers. I can’t bear to hear about another red-eyed student blankly staring at the bills in his hand as he pays for his meal.” At press time, Weiner added that all loyalty rewards members will also receive a complimentary Grateful Dead album.