ORANGE COUNTY, CA—Sources report that area woman Fatima Gulzar was recently hit by the realization that her dog, Bailey, was cute but also a major step back for evolution.
“See how she walks with that sassy shuffle? It’s because her legs are too short for her torso and she tries to relieve the pain of holding up her body by sliding her legs along the ground,” said Gulzar, watching Bailey attempt to jump over a crack in the kitchen tile because her eyes no longer facilitate depth perception. “It’s reduced her lifespan by a couple years, but couldn’t you just gobble up that little tushy?”
Gulzar also acknowledged her dog’s difficulties in consuming food.
“According to the vet, Bailey’s teeth technically only serve “decorative” purposes,” said Gulzar, watching Bailey drink her dinner. “We had to buy a cute, teeny-tiny step-stool for her bowl because her food goes down the wrong pipe if she sits down while eating.”
Gulzar’s roommate, Liz Sterling, is enamored by Bailey’s defiance of natural selection.
“Her ancestors could take into account the speed and direction of a light breeze to swiftly hunt down antelopes, but if you point a finger-gun at Bailey and say ‘boom!’ she falls down and lies very still.”
At press time, Bailey sat on her orthopedic bed with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth because decades of inbreeding had reduced the size of her jaw to make it appear less threatening, but had failed to do the same to her tongue.