LOS ANGELES —In what psychologists have described as “the greatest case of the Yips ever seen in sports,” every single player on the Los Angeles Dodgers forgot how to play baseball early Wednesday morning before facing the Houston Astros in Game 7 of the World Series.
Although Dodgers players appeared to realize midway through the game that they were trying to win a championship, they could not undo the damage starting pitcher Yu Darvish caused defensively in the opening innings. Surprisingly, team manager Dave Roberts remembered in the middle of the third inning that the team with fewer runs at the end of the game loses the World Series, and promptly removed Darvish from the mound.
“I don’t think the Astros get enough credit for that win,” said Harvey Williams, a Los Angeles native and self-proclaimed long time fan of the Houston Astros. “I’ve been watching Houston baseball for the better part of three weeks, and even though the Dodgers played like trash, it took a major league effort to beat those little league pansies.”
“The game was actually pretty close until the end of the first inning,” added Williams.
The strangest display of athletic ineptitude was still that of the Japan-born Darvish, who appeared to be trying to maximize the batters’ chances of getting on base in his two innings on the mound. Darvish was seen smiling to himself as each runner rounded the bases, baffling both Dodgers and Astros fans alike.
Darvish seemed relatively unfazed by the potential effects of a poor World Series performance right before contract negotiations in free agency, citing the experience of playing baseball professionally for people’s enjoyment as “far more valuable than any paycheck.”
“The batters looked really nervous so I made sure to throw fastballs right down the middle to make them more comfortable. It was so nice seeing the looks on their faces as they ran around the bases,” said Darvish who began openly declaring what pitches he was going to throw during the second inning, spurring Houstonians to send thousands of dollars in donations to his personal bank account. “The people of Houston have been showing me so much support both financially and emotionally. I’m definitely going to be out of a job now, but knowing I made them so happy makes it worth it.”
Reports confirmed that Darvish was last seen with the rest of his teammates, gathered around a small cake and celebrating the 30 year anniversary since their last World Series win as he blew out the candles.