WESTWOOD — UCLA recently announced a bold new plan to offer every single class for Winter 2026– except for the ones you need to graduate on time. “Our 4-year graduation rate is 87%, and much like our admission rate, we’re working on getting that number to be as low as possible,” said Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs Michael Levine, seen frantically googling “MONEY MONEY MONEY.” “Maybe after you take our music listening GE instead of that pesky little upper-div Bio class you needed to stay on track, you’ll ditch being a doctor to study music. Or, you know, you could always pay us a bazillion dollars for six weeks of online C-sesh classes. Sucker.” At press time, Levine was seen ordering departments to assign the lowest-rated professors to the classes with the most students in a broader attempt to also tank everybody’s GPA.
