UCLA Reveals School Colors To Be White And Gold
WESTWOOD—Citing the effects of shadows and lighting in various sporting venues over the years, campus officials announced today that UCLA’s school colors are in fact […]
Campus
Classes Canceled Due To National Give-A-Fuck Shortage
LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced […]
Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku
WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. […]
Students Huddled In Night Powell Celebrate 3rd Consecutive Night Of Extended Laptop Battery Life
WESTWOOD—Rejoicing in what surely must have been an act of the Almighty Lord, students in Night Powell praised his Holy Name tonight as, for the […]
Business Student Discovers God, Exploits Him For Resources
WESTWOOD—Crediting a near-death experience that brought him into the arms of the Almighty, Anderson School of Business student James Gunn announced new plans to tap […]
4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks
WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou […]
Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together
WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]
Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually
WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually. “It’s amazing. What […]
Man Probably Going To Gym Tomorrow
WESTWOOD, CA—Area man Robert Lophis, an average student with an average body, was recently heard saying that he would go to the gym tomorrow. Those […]
Humility 1A Has 2% Passing Rate; Professor Calls It ‘The Point’
WESTWOOD—For the past three years, students have been walking out of a classroom in Bunche Hall in stunned silence, feeling degraded, vulnerable, and humiliated. The […]