Report: Grandma Way Nicer After Alzheimer’s
PHILADELPHIA – Local grandchild Emily Youngen was extremely relieved this Thanksgiving as she realized her grandmother’s severe memory loss has made her a much kinder […]
News in Briefs
Epstein Island Thanksgiving Seating Chart Only Kids’ Tables
LITTLE SAINT JAMES — The latest low-resolution document dump of the Epstein Files revealed a 2004 Thanksgiving seating chart consisting of only kids’ tables. “Some […]
Backpacking Club Announces Trip To Public Affairs Building
WESTWOOD — This Friday, the UCLA Backpacking Club announced it will be taking its advanced group on the 15-mile trek from Gardenia to the Public […]
Local Pizza Delivery Boy Shocked At Scantily-Clad Customer’s Lack of Money
RANCHO MURIETA — A local pizza delivery boy faced a shock last night when he delivered to a scantily-clad woman who didn’t have the funds […]
Japanese Newborn Named Hernández Kiké
KOBE, JAPAN — In response to the wave of Latino infants being named after Japan’s cultural exports such as Goku and Roki Sasaki, Japanese sports […]
Trump Gives 15-Year-Old Girl Apology Smooch
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following new revelations about his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, who he calls “the greatest pedophile of all time,” President Donald J. Trump […]
Upstairs Neighbor Bad At Sex
WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, third-year biology major Cee Bat was awoken by a loud noise emanating from above her, and was forced into a […]
Hedrick Hall Residents Commanded To Find Two Of Every Animal
WESTWOOD — Following flooding at Hedrick Hall this morning, residents have been commanded to find two of every animal through a divine email mandate from […]
Cuomo Promises Curtis Sliwa Sexual Favors to Drop Out Of Mayoral Election
NEW YORK CITY — In a last-ditch effort to thwart frontrunner Zohran Mamdani, independent Andrew Cuomo has promised Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa undisclosed sexual favors […]
UCLA Opens “B-ruining Lives” Resource Center For Student Anti-Wellbeing
WESTWOOD — To combat the unprofitable number of students who exhibit reasonable sleep schedules and a healthy work-life balance, the UCLA Copious Amounts of Pessimistic […]