News in Briefs

Uh Oh! Student’s Twelfth Grandparent Just Died

October 13, 2025 Jessica Meeker 0

WESTWOOD — Last Sunday, second-year Microbiology, Immunology, and Molecular Genetics major Calvin Dozer revealed that his Step-Step-Grandpappy just died, making this the twelfth grandparent dead […]

Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

October 7, 2025 Alyssa Wong 0

BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

October 4, 2025 Funny Marcus 0

PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research

August 2, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]

Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

July 8, 2025 Alyssa Wong 0

WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

June 30, 2025 Paige Reed 0

WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

June 28, 2025 Alex Yang 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]