Winter Quarter Offers Every Goddamn Class But The Ones You Need For Your Degree
WESTWOOD — UCLA recently announced a bold new plan to offer every single class for Winter 2026– except for the ones you need to graduate […]
Culture
Opinion: I Will Not Apologize For My Phony Indie Stache
dear loyal followers, i address you today not by way of reselling my shart-stained 70s denim for $650 on grailed, or the carousel post of […]
Trend Watch: Scooping Vomit Out Of Acquaintance’s Mouth With Bare Hands
Do you take great joy in saying the phrase “here, drink some water” nine hundred and eighty-four times in one night? Do you enjoy it […]
Survey Finds Candy With Razors Actually Awesome
WESTWOOD — A recent survey conducted by people who aren’t “fucking pussies” has concluded that putting razors in candy is actually sick as hell. “I […]
Halloween Trend Watch: Slutty Labubus
WESTWOOD – As Halloween creeps closer, hordes of college students are swarming their local off-brand costume stores for the newest rabbit-eared slutty sensation. “Wanna open […]
De Neve Oyster Night Ends As Expected
WESTWOOD — Last Tuesday night, what was supposed to be a celebratory evening with unlimited raw bivalves at the least refined dining hall ended in […]
Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods
PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]
New Business Club Interview Process Includes Fitting Camel Through Eye of Needle
WESTWOOD – After a thorough LinkedIn assessment, seven coffee chats, and a “sell me this Bible” challenge, Bruin Business Corporation Consulting Organization LLC now asks […]
Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory
BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]
A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You
Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]