Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi
WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable […]
Articles by Nathan Glovinsky
God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction
THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we […]
Area Man Checks Into Standing Rock Hooters Location
STANDING ROCK, ND—Following a proliferation of online activism regarding the Dakota Access Pipeline, sources report that area man Mike Gianni showed his solidarity with indigenous […]
Submission: The Westwood Enabler Should Avoid Writing Biased Articles on Bruin Republicans
As UCLA students, we look to the Westwood Enabler when we’re bored in class or sitting on the toilet. Unfortunately, it is now more evident […]
Box Of Condoms Already Collecting Dust
WESTWOOD—After being secretly stashed in the bottom drawer of first-year English student Marvin Reynold’s desk, a box of Trojan condoms is reported to already be […]
Value of Ty Dolla $ign Depreciates After Bruin Bash
WESTWOOD — Following mass circulation of Ty Dolla $igns several weeks ago, Federal Reserve Board Chair Janet Yellen noted a significant decline in the monetary […]
Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union
LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]
Unsupervised Group Of Bigots Chalk Campus
WESTWOOD—With no adult supervision present at the time, an anonymous group of bigots worked late into the night to plaster the University of California, Los […]
Request For Water Cup Denied
HOUSTON—Upon ordering a No. 3 combo meal at a local Wendy’s, area man Greg Myers was shocked when his polite request for “a small cup […]
Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion
WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]