WESTWOOD – In a press conference today, The Westwood Enabler announced that Satan has acquired the student-run paper. The paper, looking for funds, held an auction for the right to be its owner. The bidders included Voldemort, Darth Vader, and Judas Iscariot amongst others.
“Ultimately, it was Satan who offered the most cash to keep us afloat,” says newly recruited reporter Lucifer Ofhell. “The paper may now change to reflect the interests of the owner, but humor is still at the forefront of this business.”
The club, which has been up and running since Winter Quarter, recently found itself lacking in funds after Editor-in-Chief Luke Moran invested the club’s entire savings into a panini press and sandwich supplies.
“We thought the panini press was an investment, one that could be used for fundraising,” Ofhell explains, “but we just ended up eating all the sandwiches instead.” Moran was contacted for comment, but was found burying himself in shame and unable to talk.
“I think it’s good, though. We’re headed in a good direction, and we have a panini press. The panini press can be used as a torture device to get more and better information. I think Luke made a good decision, one that led to the serendipitous purchase of our club by Satan.”