WESTWOOD—Overwhelmed by the excessive quantity of tedious and inconsequential career paths available to her, biology major Yasmine Adar announced she was unsure what profession she wants to grow to hate over the next forty years. “I’m conflicted between choosing something I love and then growing to hate it over time, and choosing something I already hate and then hoping it transitions into more of a subdued aversion,” said Adar. “I could make a lot of money and suffer my conniving relatives pestering me for cash, or I could choose something with a more humble salary and endure the hellish circus of middle class America. And there’s always the army, I suppose, if I’m feeling patriotic or homicidal. I could also teach,” said Adar, moments before collapsing in tears. Come newshour, Adar promised to come to a definitive decision on her career path after a series of existential crises in her mid-thirties force the choice.