MISSING: Friend Who Said “We Should Hangout Sometime.”

Graphic by Sam Mallari

WESTWOOD — Concerned acquaintances have filed a missing persons report for Allison Nguyen, who was last seen in passing in the dining halls after some long-winded small talk.

“Allison is a pure soul,” her acquaintance Peter Whitman stated during a press conference this morning. “She always asks how I am even though she only addresses me as ‘you’ because she has no idea what my name is. It’s not like her to go missing like this.”

Whitman confessed that he monitors Nguyen’s Facebook Messenger activity on a routine basis, with hopes to finally schedule the lunch they had briefly mentioned a few years ago. “She must be going through a lot. I hope she’s okay.”

Not all of Nguyen’s closest acquaintances have been able to healthily cope with the disappearance. Jane Guzman, Nguyen’s 534th connection on Linkedin, has waited approximately three weeks for Nguyen to set up her promised “chat over coffee.”

Guzman stated, “I don’t even like coffee. But for her? Anytime. And not just because she’s a Goldman Sachs Operations intern.” On the verge of tears, Guzman concluded, “Allison is more than just a connection to me. She’s a person.”

In lieu of the interviews, sources reported that Nguyen has last been spotted taking a handle pull at ZBT and yelling, “A hoe never gets cold!” Nguyen’s acquaintances have used this knowledge as a sign of hope in their pursuit of planning out promised lunches, dinners, and coffee chats.

About Sam Mallari 2 Articles
The Asian writer LA deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Experienced cartographer. Can make a mean baguette. Voted “Most Likely to be Unemployed” by everyone in the family.