Breaking: Thesis Statement Isn’t Actually A Thesis

By , in Campus News on .
Steyer is still shocked her computer did not inform her thesis was not a thesis.

WESTWOOD—After waiting in anticipation for feedback on the first draft of an essay that comprises 15% of her grade, third-year Human Biology and Society major Ana Steyer was shocked to get word from her TA that her thesis statement is not actually a thesis statement.

“The only thing I was maybe expecting to get any comments on was the second-person in my conclusion,” said a bewildered Steyer, wide-eyed with her cursor still hovered over the highlighted introduction paragraph on the turnitin.com document.

“Worst case scenario, I thought I’d have to go back in and adjust some of my APA citations, but this? I derived my thesis directly from the prompt questions given in lecture. Who does he think he is telling me my thesis is not a thesis?”

“What the fuck even is a thesis then? How could I write 1200 words about a non-thesis?”

At press time, Steyer was troubleshooting how to modify her thesis statement for her TA’s approval in a way that will simultaneously spare her from needing to rewrite the entire paper.