WASHINGTON, D.C. — Weeks of less-than-firm resolve paid off Wednesday as Democrats forged a shutdown-ending compromise that accomplishes one of the party’s longstanding goals: strengthening the Republican Party.
“I’ll admit it: we got a bit distracted while enjoying our taxpayer-funded vacation. But after sweeping Democratic election victories and record-low approval for the Trump administration, we knew we had to act fast to squander our lead,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, while retrieving an envelope of cash from behind a toilet.
The newly-passed bill manages to reverse the blue wave by employing the little-known strategy of giving your opponent everything they want and asking for nothing in return. When asked how the bill would affect constituents who relied on the Democratic Party to protect ACA subsidies, Schumer responded, “What? Who? They should have had their lobbyist contact me.”
At press time, Democrat leaders were overheard discussing a Clinton-Fetterman ticket for the 2028 presidential election.