Backpacking Club Announces Trip To Public Affairs Building
WESTWOOD — This Friday, the UCLA Backpacking Club announced it will be taking its advanced group on the 15-mile trek from Gardenia to the Public […]
Articles by Zach Fischer
UCLA Administration Goes On Strike to Protest AFSCME
WESTWOOD — This past week, UCLA administration has bravely taken to the streets to protest the injustices committed by the “pesky” AFSCME labor union. “It’s […]
Economists Worried As Daylight Savings Runs Out
WALL STREET — With the last of daylight savings running out last night, some economists are fearing the worst. “Americans everywhere were already living paycheck […]
Survey Finds Candy With Razors Actually Awesome
WESTWOOD — A recent survey conducted by people who aren’t “fucking pussies” has concluded that putting razors in candy is actually sick as hell. “I […]
Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas
WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]
John Wooden Center Replaces Treadmills With Giant Hamster Wheels
WESTWOOD — After months of construction, the John Wooden Center has unveiled its new cardio area, which features giant hamster wheels in place of the […]
New Business Club Interview Process Includes Fitting Camel Through Eye of Needle
WESTWOOD – After a thorough LinkedIn assessment, seven coffee chats, and a “sell me this Bible” challenge, Bruin Business Corporation Consulting Organization LLC now asks […]
One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture
WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]
Nation Condemns Shooter For Not Being Hot Enough
WASHINGTON, DC — The shooting of Republican spokesman Charlie Kirk by 22-year-old Tyler Robinson has left Americans appalled by the fact that Robinson is not […]