WASHINGTON D.C. – Reporters from The Westwood Enabler called in to report that Press Secretary Sean Spicer had barred them from attending his off-camera Q&A session.
“Press briefings are for big boys and big girls who know how to ask big boy and big girl questions,” Spicer said to our staff before sticking his tongue out at them. “The Westwood Enabler has repeatedly impugned the good name of the President by writing articles about him creating safe spaces for bigots, banning facts, and losing debates. Everyone knows the President abhors safe spaces, loves facts, and wins all debates.”
When an Enabler reporter asked Spicer if the popular article about Trump implementing his campaign promises would gain them access, Spicer stamped his feet and made farting noises with his mouth. “The Westwood Enabler is fake news. It calls itself satire but it’s fake news. It keeps reporting things that are mean and wrong and the President is not going to tolerate that.” Spicer paused then to pop in five pieces of chewing gum. “Look, if the Westwood Enabler really is Westwood’s premiere news source, then how come there aren’t any articles about how much President Trump has done for Indiana?” When reminded that Westwood was located in California, Spicer threw a tomato at our reporter and declared California to be “totally out of control.”
While Spicer conducted his press briefing without the Westwood Enabler, New York Times, CNN, or Politico, Enabler reporter John Lyons voiced his opposition to the new policies. “This is a violation of our first amendment rights. The Westwood Enabler is a top tier world news organization and the public deserves to know which four guys are better looking than Jared Kushner and what Trump’s most bigly adjectives are.” Lyons went on to denounce Spicer as a fascist who was probably offended by their coverage of Bruin Republicans. “The boob tax was real news, guys. When are people gonna start getting woke?”
As the secret press briefing concluded, Lyons had one final comment. “The only consolation is that they banned the Daily Bruin too.” At this time, The Westwood Enabler will be joining Bloomberg and the Associated Press in boycotting the White House Correspondents Dinner, which we typically attend annually.