UCLA To Investigate What UCLA Ordered UCPD To Do

WESTWOOD — On Monday morning, Chancellor Gene Block announced UCLA’s investigation into what UCLA ordered UCPD to do to UCLA student protestors on UCLA’s campus. “We really want to get to the bottom of whatever happened to our students at the coordinated behest of UCLA, UCPD, LAPD, and CHP,” said Block as he hung up a web of red string on his wall and repeatedly circled a picture of his own face. “And let me assure you — whoever was responsible for brutalizing and arbitrarily detaining UCLA students at our explicit directive will be identified and awarded as soon as possible.” At press time, Block was seen punishing the perpetrators by giving himself a light slap on the wrist.

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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.