UCLA Employs Team of Sherpas to Assist Students Up The Hill

Graphic by Isaiah Little

WESTWOOD — In response to student complaints about accessibility issues, UCLA has hired a team of Sherpas to assist struggling students up The Hill. “In keeping with our reputation as a world-class university, we are proud to announce the addition of a dozen members of the Sherpa people to our illustrious staff,” said Chancellor Gene Block, who assured his fullest sympathy with the student body, despite the fact that his rock-hard calves and beefy thighs render The Hill little more than a pebble beneath his vast feet. “Upon reaching Bruinwalk, each student will now be equipped with a pickaxe and harness in preparation for the climb. Oxygen will be provided periodically throughout the journey.” Following the statement, an additional email had been sent announcing tuition hikes in order to pay for a ski lift from Pauley Pavilion to Hedrick Hall.

About Dylan Wood 48 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.