Top 3 Ways Besides COVID to Kill Your Grandma This Thanksgiving

Listen, we at the Westwood Enabler get it — you want to travel home to your family for Thanksgiving dinner this year. You probably miss the little things: eating Mom’s homemade stuffing, tossing a football with Dad, and infecting Grandma with the COVID-19 virus, thus ensuring for her a slow and lonely death in a hospital bed. But how can you be sure you actually have COVID in the first place or that your grandmother will definitely die when you give it to her? Instead, try out our top three ways besides COVID to murder your grandmother this Thanksgiving.

1. Icepick to the skull

Sure, your Nana practically raised you. But how can you be absolutely positive that flying home during a holiday weekend at LAX will infect you with enough pathogens to transmit the virus to your Nana and successfully kill her? An icepick straight to the skull is one way to guarantee that this woman will never again mail you homemade cookies or write you a card on your birthday.

2. Cut the brakes on her car

We get it – sometimes infecting your loving grandmother with a deadly virus gets a little old. True, you could always just ride in the car with her like you normally do, as being in a close confined space together would probably ensure that you pass on the virus. But where’s the fun in that? Shake things up this year by cutting the brakes on her car! Your grandma’s love for you never stops, and neither should her car.

3. Push her down the stairs

There are no guarantees your Gam-Gam will actually die from COVID if you travel to see her this Thanksgiving. That would require so many steps! Going out to bars and restaurants to successfully contract COVID, flying home, transmitting the virus to her… what if something goes wrong and she doesn’t die after all that? Skip the middleman, and just push her down the stairs.


About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.