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science

Scientists Discover Why Old People Smell Like That

June 18, 2025 Zach Fischer 0

WESTWOOD — A groundbreaking discovery was made at the UCLA Geriatric Research and Medical Association (GRAMA) this Tuesday, after an extensive study that involved locking […]

New Study Shows This Other Gorilla Seriously Starting To Piss Me Off

June 7, 2024 Maya Chatrathi 0

CENTRAL AFRICA — A new study from the jungle has found that this other gorilla is seriously starting to piss me off. “Stop copying me!” […]

Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible

February 19, 2024 Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]

Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet

March 27, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and […]

Speaker On Bruinwalk To Blast “Pre-Med Pre-Health?” Every Ten Seconds

November 11, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — This Monday, at the peak of rush hour on Bruinwalk, a speaker programmed to blast “Pre-med? Pre-health?” made its debut in front of […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside

September 29, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]

New Study Reveals All

July 15, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA has revealed the intimate, juicy details of her life in an exclusive tell-all interview with the Enabler. “You […]

Tell Us Your Zodiac Sign And We’ll Tell You What Tragedy Happened To Your Mom’s Acquaintance Today

June 2, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

Ring, ring, your mom is calling! Is she just saying hi? Or has something terrible happened to someone that you may or may not remember? […]

New Season Of “How It’s Made” Features Episode On Babies

April 30, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

MONTREAL — Producers behind the television show “How It’s Made” recently announced that the upcoming season will feature an episode about babies. “The process begins […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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