satire

5’8” Men Now Listing “One Tom Holland” As Height On Tinder

December 22, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Following the release of “Spiderman: No Way Home,” data scientists at Tinder report that men who are 5’8” are now changing their […]

Report: Jackhammers In Westwood Only Work Between 4 A.M. And 8 A.M.

December 16, 2021 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — A new study from the Los Angeles Public Works Department found that jackhammers in the Westwood neighborhood can only operate in the wee […]

Online Professor Requests Students “Smash That Like Button, Comment, And Subscribe”

December 15, 2021 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WESTWOOD — In the wake of instructor surveys, online professors have begun to request that students smash that like button, comment on the discussion board, […]

Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral

December 13, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]

CCLE To Be Publicly Executed

December 8, 2021 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — After years of complaints from staff and students, Gene Block announced that he will personally execute the CCLE course management system. “A few […]

Report: “Bruin Bear” Kind Of Redundant

December 7, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA scientists discovered Wednesday that the iconic Bruin Bear statue between Ackerman and Wooden was kind of redundantly named. “It turns out the […]

Tasing Yourself In The Hamstring, And Other Bad Study Habits To Get Rid Of Before Finals

December 6, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

Finals are coming up, and there are so many terrible ways to study. To help you become the best version of yourself for finals season, […]

Gene Block Re-Releases 8 Clap (10 Minute Version)

December 3, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD — Following UCLA football’s victory over USC, Gene Block has re-released a 10 minute version of UCLA’s 8 clap. “Stream now on Spotify, Apple […]