Uh Oh! Guy In Patrick Bateman Costume Getting Too Method
WESTWOOD — Last weekend, partygoers at a consulting club fundrager agreed that second-year business economics major Alan Paul got a little too into his Patrick […]
Party
Uh-oh! You Did Your Makeup So Weird The Nice Girls Are Complimenting Your Unstyled Hair Instead
WESTWOOD — Reporting live from a packed Roebling backyard, the Enabler can confirm you did your makeup so weird that the nice girls are complimenting […]
Students, Demons Look Forward To Halloweekend
WESTWOOD — As the three day partying event known colloquially as “Halloweekend” approaches, students and the demonic creatures that lurk in the back of their […]
Frats Denounce COVID, Promise It Won’t Happen Again
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Greek organizations released a statement Monday acknowledging allegations that they have contributed to the spread of COVID-19 on campus. “Everybody makes mistakes, […]
Respectful Fourth-Year Only Dates First-Years 18 Or Older
WESTWOOD — According to a source close to him, fourth-year biology major Josh Winfrey has chosen to respect the women at UCLA and only date […]
Area Man Enters Hour Three of Describing Music Taste
WESTWOOD — Third-year film student Doug Babcock has been filibustering a real conversation for three hours now, after an acquaintance made the mistake of asking […]
Senate Democrats Plan To Prevent Barrett Confirmation By Sternly Frowning
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer unveiled the Democrats’ strategy to prevent Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation by […]
FDA Increases Serving Size Of Jäger For Non-Pussies
WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced the department’s decision to increase the recommended serving size […]
New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight
WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes […]