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on the hill

Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up

May 19, 2022 Billie Chang 0

SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]

Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email

April 21, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]

Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing

March 10, 2022 Gene D. Block 0

Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]

Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live

March 3, 2022 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]

4 Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve To Register In That Class You Need To Graduate

January 6, 2022 Arman 0

You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up […]

Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral

December 13, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]

Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now

December 9, 2021 Will Tucker 0

FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]

Opinion: Your Sleeping Roommate Doesn’t Matter

November 4, 2021 Anonymous Roommate 0

You’ve woken up bright and early. 7:50 am on a Tuesday. You cast a glance at your smug roommate in their immaculate fortress of fluff […]

Teen Makes Case For Adderall Prescription By Reciting Memorized Monologue

October 25, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Early Thursday afternoon, 17 year-old Connor Adams recited a perfectly memorized monologue to his psychiatrist in hopes of obtaining an Adderall prescription. “Hi, […]

Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation

October 14, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]

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