Election Lowers Average Age Of Senate From 87 To 86
WASHINGTON — Following the poll-defying results of the 2020 general elections, the demographic of the Senate has been altered, some say, for the better. “We […]
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CCLE Wishes To Become A Real Website
WESTWOOD — After yet another day of letting down students and professors alike, CCLE wished upon a shooting star to become a real website just […]
Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming
FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]
Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head
“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]
Wow! Bill Murray Crashed This Lucky Fan’s Open-Heart Surgery!
CHICAGO—Comedy legend Bill Murray had people in stitches Tuesday morning when he made an unexpected appearance at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, crashing super-fan Rich Browning’s triple-bypass […]
Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]
UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
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Sepi’s Files Counterproposal To Evict Steve Sann
WESTWOOD — Following efforts by the Westwood Community Council to pressure Sepi’s into leaving Westwood, the local bar and restaurant filed a counterproposal to evict […]
Op-Ed: If I Wear Jeans, You Must Call Me Jeans Block
To the Campus Community: On Monday morning, I substituted my normal chancellorial slacks for a pair of comfortable, stylish, denim jeans. Yet for the entire […]