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International

Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio

May 12, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]

BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin

May 5, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]

‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank

April 28, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]

Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan

January 20, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]

Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President

December 23, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]

Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change

December 20, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]

Default Browser Somehow Bing Again

August 24, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — After attempting to Google-search “Game of Thrones Season 8 Finale Free Streaming 1080p,” second-year biology major Serena Tambor discovered her default browser had […]

Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland

August 22, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]

coalition of lo-fi artists ban capital letters

May 6, 2019 Max Flora 0

a basement — this tuesday, a board of music producers in charge of overseeing the lo-fi artistic community released a memo to their constituency banning […]

Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

March 5, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]

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