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Dating

Housing Adds “Homoerotic Tension” Option to Male Roommate Contracts

December 16, 2022 Tyler Neufeld 0

WESTWOOD — Preparing for the renewal of roommate contracts for Winter Quarter, UCLA Housing has added a “Homoerotic Tension” clause, hoping to play matchmaker. “We […]

Opinion: We Need A Bumble Where I Don’t Have To Message First

December 13, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

Bumble’s unique, women-first messaging system has made it the top dating app for progressive thinkers, bisexuals, and men who are willing to try pegging at […]

Opinion: How Bringing My Copy Of “Ready Player Two” With Me To The Dining Hall Helped Me Get Laid

November 24, 2022 Bustopher Jones 0

Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like […]

Freshman Breaks Off Long Distance Relationship With Mom

November 7, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

WESTWOOD— Freshman Joe Maman made the tricky decision Monday morning to break things off with his long-distance mother. “She wants to call me every day […]

Area Dog Puts Human As Last Tinder Profile Picture

October 24, 2022 Mehr Juneja 0

WESTWOOF — Local pup Daw Gee took to the streets Monday and made a Tinder for himself, making sure to put a shot of his […]

“No More Mr. Nice Guy!” Says Man Who Never Respected You To Begin With

October 16, 2022 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — The planet as we know it was shaken to its core today when local Mr. Nice Guy Neil Belmont officially renounced his title. […]

POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women

July 6, 2022 Harry Song 0

SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]

Gaslighting Boyfriend Correctly Describes Brain As “All in Your Head”

July 5, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — On Thursday evening, local gaslighting boyfriend Jayson “what’s ur snap?” Jones correctly described his girlfriend’s brain as “all in her head.” “Nothing you […]

“He’s Cuter In Person,” And Other Lies To Tell Your Friends About Him

February 1, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

Girly, we’ve all been there. You start talking to a new guy and you’re eager to gab with your girlfriends about this new potential mans […]

How To Have The Perfect Valentine’s Day In College

February 11, 2016 Enabler Staff 0

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! Whether you’re in a relationship or still waiting for that Special Someone, here are some tips for having […]

  • Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall

    WESTWOOD — After a recent protest marched up to Murphy Hall, home of the office of the chancellor, Julio Frenk decided to hear out the […]

  • “Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids

    Well, it’s official: President Trump has signed an executive order cutting funding to PBS. And thank the canonically white God, because the hit kids’ show […]

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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