Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]
coronavirus
Area Man Receives Prostate Exam Through Telehealth Appointment
LOS ANGELES – After turning forty-five years old during the latest Coronavirus lockdown, area man Matt McTubbins decided to receive a prostate exam from his […]
New Lockdown Order Closes Living Rooms After 10:00 p.m.
LOS ANGELES — County health authorities announced last night that Los Angeles will be moving to the magenta tier, closing all nonessential businesses, services and […]
COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store
WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]
NFL Plans To Quarantine COVID Positive Players In Team Facilities
NEW YORK — In a statement on Monday, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new COVID-19 protocols in the aftermath of increased coronavirus cases […]
Social Bubble Expands To All Of Westwood
WESTWOOD — After gradually growing over the past several months through totally socially distanced picnics, parties and date nights, one social bubble has finally expanded […]
Trump Instructs Stimulus Package To Stand Back And Stand By
WASHINGTON — In a press conference on Tuesday, President Donald Trump instructed the proposed stimulus package– which would provide financial support to the nation in […]
Newsom Adds Tinder Hookups To Phase Two Of Reopening
SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such […]
Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales
KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]
Hands Touching Face Category Added To Pornhub
LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]