Rowing Team Wins Diversity Award, As Many As Two Minorities Represented
ORANGE COUNTY, CA — A local rowing club took home the top prize in USRowing’s diversity awards this week in recognition of their melting pot […]
comedy
Students, Viruses Enjoy Return to Campus
WESTWOOD — The UCLA community, and the UCLA virus community lying dormant in students’ bloodstreams, began its return to campus this week with excitement. “It […]
StockX Now Selling Insulin
DETROIT — The popular reselling website StockX has now added insulin to its vast catalog in what internet scalpers are calling the “sugar rush.” “My […]
Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School
WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]
Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan
SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]
Safety Legends! This Restaurant Switched Their Food To QR Codes
LOS ANGELES — Public health officials clapped when local restaurant Joe’s Burgers, already having replaced its paper menus with QR codes, doubled down on safety […]
“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake
There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]
Report: Use Of Word “Unprecedented” Spiking
SEATTLE — As the Omicron variant ravages through the country, top language researchers have noticed a second surge of the word “unprecedented.” “It’s as if […]
Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either
LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]
Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land
WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]