Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer
RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]
comedy
Report: Strange Things Afoot
BAKERSFIELD — After an increase in sightings of shadowy figures and odd characters, many are beginning to believe that strange things are afoot. “The curse… […]
Opinion: Dropping This Class Is Not Enough; I Need to Infest Haines Hall With Locusts
As the 18th-century Scottish poet Robert Burns once wrote, “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” I don’t actually know what that […]
A Warm Hug, And 4 Other Things UCLA Dining Will Give You For 20 Swipes
Spring Break is almost upon us! It is finally that time of the quarter when underclassmen swap their remaining swipes for whatever is rolling around […]
GroupMe Removed From List Of Best Venues For Aspiring Stand-Up Comedians
LOCATION — Collegiate jokesters across the nation were rocked by news that GroupMe has been removed from the L.A. Times’ list of best venues for […]
Trend Watch! These Fuckin’ Things
Fidget Spinners. Kendamas. Fushigi Magic Gravity Balls. These are just a few of the endless gadgets and doodads that have captivated the minds and hearts […]
Speaker On Bruinwalk To Blast “Pre-Med Pre-Health?” Every Ten Seconds
WESTWOOD — This Monday, at the peak of rush hour on Bruinwalk, a speaker programmed to blast “Pre-med? Pre-health?” made its debut in front of […]
Girl On Self-Discovery Journey Has Yet To Discover She’s A Bitch
LOS ANGELES — After a full two and a half months, Sarah Myers has officially returned from “Sarah’s Self-Discovery Journey,” yet she did not seem […]
Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage
VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]
Opinion: I Heard Your Stomach Growl In Class, But I’m A Really Nice Person
Hi there! It’s me, the one who sits next to you in class! I just wanted to let you know that I did actually hear […]