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Campus

On-Campus Squirrels Now Required To Purchase Meal Plan

November 21, 2022 Sophia Balkovski 0

WESTWOOD — — UCLA Dining made the controversial decision Monday to require on-campus squirrels to purchase a meal plan. “We make all the other on-campus […]

Speaker On Bruinwalk To Blast “Pre-Med Pre-Health?” Every Ten Seconds

November 11, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — This Monday, at the peak of rush hour on Bruinwalk, a speaker programmed to blast “Pre-med? Pre-health?” made its debut in front of […]

UCLA Frat Issues Notes App Apology for Alleged Serial Sexual Assault

May 31, 2022 Azalea Morris 0

WESTWOOD — On Monday, a UCLA Fraternity was cornered into finally addressing their countless sexual assault allegations. Their method of addressing this serious issue was […]

UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants

April 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to […]

Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit

March 12, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard […]

Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot

March 8, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]

Woke man in bed

Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land

December 30, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]

Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now

December 9, 2021 Will Tucker 0

FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]

Weird! All Covid Spit Tests Sent Directly To Gene Block’s Office

December 2, 2021 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — Hundreds of boxes of COVID vending machine spit tests — some opened — have been discovered in Chancellor Gene Block’s office. “As Chancellor, […]

Opinion: I Went Undercover To Expose Frat Culture And I’m Having The Time Of My Life

November 29, 2021 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — When I arrived on the first day of rush, I was a man with a mission. It was my first time ever encountering […]

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