Report: Judge Who Struck Down Mask Mandate Has A Great Smile
TAMPA — Reporters on the scene at Florida’s Middle District Federal court, where Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle recently struck down the mask mandate for public […]
2016
Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union
LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]
Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day
WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]
Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook
WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser
POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]
African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit
WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]
Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is
TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]
Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion
WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]