Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year

HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, you know?” stated Jesus, who got up extra early to curl his hair and paint his nails for his special day. “Everyone’s comparing me to when I was a baby and I’m like, yikes, I’m old now! And then they turn around and give Santa all this praise even though it’s supposed to be my birthday. It’s just overwhelming.” While Jesus claims to have avoided tears yesterday, an anonymous apostle reported that Jesus was in the bathroom for an hour and returned with a bucketful of wine.

About Jade Lacy 46 Articles
Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.