Seven Neat Ways To Actually MAKE Money This Holiday Season

Yes, it’s that time of year again! A time of joy and cheer, a time of love and family, and above all, a time of gifts! We all love the holiday season, but there’s no doubt that it takes a serious toll on the old wallet. I’ve compiled a list of my seven favorite ways to make a little extra cash for the holiday season!


1. Sell your body

Take the bus to your favorite street corner and really put yourself out there! It’s a great way to get some cash and meet lots of nice people. Don’t be afraid to charge a lot, you’re worth it!


2. Rob an orphanage

The holiday season is a time of giving, so orphanages receive A LOT of donations. This makes it the perfect time to plan your heist! All of the rarest and most sought-after toys can be found under the tree at your local orphanage, so go for it! Besides, who are they going to tell — their parents?


3. Kill Grandma

Look, Nana has had her time, and she has all of that valuable jewelry you can hock once she’s out of the picture. There are plenty of clean and humane ways to do it (see my other article titled: “53 DIY Euthanasia Ideas”). Plus, that’s one less gift to spend money on!


4. Find the Captain’s buried treasure

I’m honestly astonished about how few people do this, it’s so simple! All you have to do is enter the musty tavern and look for the man sitting alone at the booth in the corner. Approach him, sit down, and tell him you’re there for the booty. He’ll hand you his map and in no time you’ll have a hefty sack o’ doubloons and pieces o’ eight ready to be spent!


5. Make all of your presents out of that raccoon carcass you found last week

Everybody loves a homemade gift, and if you can make it out of things you already have at home, even better! There are plenty of ways to upcycle the rotting raccoon carcass you found under your porch last week. Of course there’s the classic “coonskin hat,” but don’t be afraid to get more creative. You could make the cutest coffee mug out of its skull or stylish leg warmers out of its intestines — just don’t let it go to waste!


6. Meal-Prep

Meal-prep has honestly changed my life, and no doubt my wallet! By preparing my meals beforehand, I have so much more time during the week! If you haven’t started meal-prepping yet, what are you waiting for?


7. Sacrifice a healthy, plump, spring lamb to the gods

This is my personal go-to and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs a quick buck. Snatch the finest lamb from your local shepherd’s flock and sacrifice it over an altar decorated with nightshade. The gods will surely bless you with a bountiful harvest and you’ll have a merry Christmas indeed!


About Ben Robinow 5 Articles
Ben is a first-year ecology, behavior, and evolution major who is merely a vessel for a being whose true form your puny mortal brain could not begin to fathom. He enjoys his days on earth, and hopes that you do too, as they are numbered.