Rise Of Powell Cat Renders CAPS Obsolete

WESTWOOD UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) department has announced that it will be discontinuing all services indefinitely in the face of superior psychological aid competitors. “It has come to our attention that the black cat known to students only as “Powell Cat” is able to provide better mental healthcare than our offices can,” said Nicole Green, Executive Director of CAPS, packing away the degrees and certifications from her office into a cardboard box. “We will now be able to funnel all of the money UCLA has wasted on our department into the football program.”

“Powell Cat has a lot to offer that CAPS doesn’t,” said third-year Melissa Doane, doodling a pair of whiskers onto a form titled CAPS Appointment Cancellation Notice. “CAPS doesn’t have fuzzy ears or a fluffy butt. It sends you emails instead of purring. And CAPS won’t give me the Xanax I want anyway, so why not go pet the cat instead?”

UCLA’s new mental healthcare program does come with some potential drawbacks; students seeking comfort cannot know when or where Powell Cat will appear to them, an uncertainty familiar to CAPS patients. However, Green assures her clients that calling “pspsps” to Powell Cat is more effective than waiting four months for therapy.

Students should click on the new “Meow” tab on MyUCLA to access the list of services Powell Cat offers (including rolling over, headbutting, and going “brrroww”). To receive care, students must bring their BruinCard and a can of tuna to the Powell Library.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.