WESTWOOD — After UCPD officers swarmed Royce Hall once again yesterday to meet their daily quota of mercilessly beating up students, UCLA was awarded for outperforming even the state of Iowa for having the highest number of pigs per capita. “These damn Cal-lib-fornians think they can take our highest source of pride as their own!” remarked Iowan pig farmer Boaris Swinehouse, while tearfully feeding his old ‘Blue Lives Matter’ flag to his livestock. “That school thinks it’s so much better than us just because it gives their pigs weapons and a six-figure salary. Well, at least MY animals have basic manners and know not to leave their sty.” Upon being approached with troughfuls of slop, the campus police officers declined to interview and merely oinked menacingly.