Proactive Freshman Digs Own Grave

Graphic by Isaiah Little

WESTWOOD — UCLA freshman and self-proclaimed go-getter Laura Johnsonelli has reportedly begun arrangements for her own burial. “After I graduate med school, meet the optometrist of my dreams, give birth to Ben, Barney, and Bailey, and write my autobiography, I should be about 35 years old,” Johnsonelli recounted, reading from an Excel sheet on her laptop that dates back to 2009. “That leaves 70 great years for retirement, besides a few where I come back and discover the cure to an unknown plague spreading through humanity in 2065, and then it should be about time to die.” At press time, Johnsonelli was lamenting the fact that an eighteen-wheeler struck her brother four years earlier than planned.

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Maxwell "Rough n Tumble" "Go Buy Me Some Vegan Snacks" Geronimo "Geronimo" Flora wastes a lot of time on this publication.