Your boyfriend’s a bitch!!!!!!!!!
In case it wasn’t clear, here’s the difference between your boyfriend and a Golden Retriever:
Your boyfriend is not an innocent docile animal who can’t speak. Dogs are physically incapable of speaking because they don’t have the pipes for it, but your precious baby boy can’t speak because he has absolutely nothing to say.
The life expectancy of Golden retrievers is 10-12 years, while the life expectancy of your pookie’s cheap excuse for love for you is 10-12 agonizing months.
I understand how you may get confused and accidentally conflate your skinny freak sexual partner’s yellow hair with the yellow hair of a Golden Retriever dog animal, due to the fact that they’re both prone to shedding. Unfortunately, the difference here is that the hair that sheds from Golden Retrievers is replaced by more hair, whereas your boyfriend is rapidly balding. Maybe give him the romantic gift of Minoxidil 🙂
Let me reiterate that having yellow hair is not enough to equate to “Golden Retriever energy”! A couple blondes off the top of my head are Draco Malfoy and Sue Sylvester, if examples are helpful for you. Not so much puppy vibes, do you understand?
Golden Retrievers are known for being intelligent, affectionate, and loyal. Your boyfriend stops holding your hand because it “hurts his fingers” and the only thing he’s loyal to is his consistent routine of watching only the front page videos on Pornhub for some reason. Really weird!!!!
Famously, Golden Retrievers are playful, energetic, and eager to please. Judging from your little boy’s shockingly irregular rhythm, he is not quite so eager to please.
A classic Golden Retriever trait is that they’re particularly skilled at retrieving things. Your boyfriend can’t even retrieve you generic Plan B or grocery store flowers
The dogs are adventurous, and your thing won’t even try Phở because it’s too exotic.
Puppies are beloved because it’s almost impossible for them to do any long-term harm to anyone or anything. Your boyfriend’s dad has built his fortune on private equity dentistry and your boyfriend is an intern at BlackRock.
Your boyfriend’s energy is SINISTER and NAUSEATING! This gut-churning slop-face energy could not be farther from the sweet energy of a Golden Retriever puppy, do you understand?
