I arrived at UCLA like many first-years: bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and convinced that my four years at college would be just as magical as the six seasons (and one movie) of Community. And after being at college for over a month now, I can confidently say that this place is a Total. Fucking. Dump.
I keep trying to make this school more like Greendale, but when I set up a pillow fort in Powell, I got arrested for starting an encampment. I’ve used Dine n Dish to encourage De Neve to serve chicken fingers so much that I’m pretty sure they blocked my number (I want my chicken finger mafia group, so sue me). And don’t take this one out of context, but the only time I actually wished there were Nazis on campus was when I was at Sunset Rec trying to find the magical hidden trampoline.
It’s like this school doesn’t even care about us, and that’s streets behind.
I mean, Greendale was also a four-year college where I could get a Bachelor’s degree, so what the fuck am I doing here in California (the worst state), dropping $80k on this place every year? Honestly, the only thing that’s stopped me from completely crashing out and slipping into The Darkest Timeline is the fact that, like Dean Pelton, Interim Chancellor Darnell Hunt also has a big-ass, bald-ass head.
But look. I’m self-aware enough to know that all this complaining won’t get me anywhere. So if there are any hot blondes, autistic film nerds, disgraced former lawyers, Adderall addicts, ex-football players, 40-something-year-old moms, or old racist guys (optional) who want to form a study group, hit me up. I’ll be waiting in YRL study room F.