
The start of the quarter is rough for all of us, let’s admit it. An end to a seemingly endless interlude from reality, our first days back remind us that we actually have to get our shit together and act like adults.
Well, most of us.
While we are at THE number one public university, it seems many students’ frontal lobes have not yet developed, as they actually think someone will willingly swap their 8AM Friday class. You must be fucking stupid if you believe this.
Let’s take Ben Duhr, a Biz Econ frat boy, as an example. Ben needed to get his diversity requirement done ASAP, but he was cursed with a late enrollment pass. Being the feminist that he is, he decided to take a Gender Studies class to get it done. Yet, when it came down to enrollment, the only discussion for this highly coveted class available was Friday at 8AM all the way in North Campus, a hike from his beautiful frat home on Gayley.
What did Ben do to counteract this issue? Did he decide to slow down his drinking? Of course not! (He just added cocaine to his morning routine as a “well deserved pick-me-up.”) Did he decide to try this class again next quarter? God no! He just wants to get, in his own words, “this liberal bullshit over with.” What Ben did do, however, was offer $50 to anyone who would take his discussion – not only on all of his social media, but also a Canvas discussion link that he so thoughtfully created, notifying all 200 people in his lecture of his situation. Was this successful? Take a guess.
Now, Ben is not only going to go to his first discussion reeking of pee, hand-foot-and-mouth disease, and some cheap ass vodka, but he is also probably not going to attend any of them after “sylly week” in solidarity with feminists everywhere. This lightens his load, but the 19 other hungover students in his section are still trying not to yak before they’re dismissed.
To combat dire situations like this, as a student body, we should accept that nobody gives a fuck and wants to switch with us. Take a few less chugs from the communal frat wine bag, take a hot shower, and take a minute to think you’re not that special. We can all do this together: for the good of society, humanity as a whole, and our hungover community.