Opinion: My Scooby Doo Costume Is Not “Inappropriate,” My Balls Are Supposed To Hang Out Like That

I am absolutely sick and tired of everyone asking me the same question. I’ve walked around this party all night trying to make pleasant, simple conversation while ripping my puff bar, and the only thing people ever seem to notice is my testicles dangling out of a special slit I created in my Scooby Doo costume. They may point, stare, and give me a wide berth, but they have it all wrong.

First of all, Scooby isn’t neutered. How do I know this? Well, if you were a true fan, you would recall how in the 2002 live action Scooby Doo film, Fred describes how Scoobs “cleaned [his] beans at Don Knott’s Christmas party.” There you have it, Scoobert Doo does indeed have balls and proudly displays them on special occasions. Therefore, my balls should, for accuracy, hang low for all to see.

Secondly, what’s wrong with my nuts being out? I’ve been told that my sperm count is so high, one specimen sample from my gonads is enough to repopulate the entire Iberian peninsula. Do they intimidate you? Make you feel like less of a man? Do you want them, or do you want to be with them? You better confront some subconscious desires before you talk to me about my scrotum.

Guys, Halloween is supposed to be a time where children and adults alike can dress however they want, and all of you are ruining a very special night for me by only paying attention to my balls. They are supposed to be out like that. By showing my testicles, I am standing up for my favorite cartoon character Scoobert Doo, and in doing so, making this world a better, more accurate place.