Opinion: Maybe We Don’t Need The Environment

Last night’s rally had me praying no SC kids were spying on us on campus, because I was embarrassed by how SNOWFLAKE we looked. I mean, I just want to see some shit get lit on fire, you know? But noooo, there’s something called “carbon dioxide,” and we can’t have fires or it’ll make “carbon dioxide?” Fuck that.

Before this, I was pretty outdoorsy. I went to a Joshua Tree rave and took ayahuasca with my boys like anyone would, but replacing a bonfire with some Little Bunny Foo Foo colored lights took this environment thing too far. After the show, I was so pissed off I lit a national park on fire, drove my car in circles for 4 hours, and kicked 2 puppies in the name of Fuck SC and Fuck the Icecaps. On top of it all, I’m 99% sure the lights were a ploy by Gene Block to beam microchip technology into my brain so that I buy more $11 grilled cheese and tomato soup from Kerckhoff.

USC would never damp down an fUCLA rally because of a stupid “drought.” We may be beating them in football, college rankings, and overall sex appeal, but we can’t let them beat us in carbon emissions. We don’t need the environment if it’s going to make us look dumb.