Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints

Graphic by Isaiah Little

To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing due to climate change, which is caused by us leaving large amounts of footprints all over the ground. The collective foot pollution, caused mostly by Olympic athletes, is killing us slowly, but something else is killing us at an even faster rate. Our assprints.

Our feet are big but not as big as our asses. Everyone sits on the floor from time to time, which we can’t control. However, we can control how thick our asses are. Celebrities and regular people alike spend hours at the gym squatting and kicking in order to grow their rear ends in size. Countless civilians resort to injections or surgery to achieve a goal that is poisoning our planet.

This universal increase in ass size has clearly led to glaciers shrinking, California wildfires, green bananas and obviously the coronavirus. The only possible solution to reverse climate change is to shrink our asses. If we mass produce plastic butt-enhancing pads for people to wear and then take off before they sit on the floor, the climate epidemic will cease. This way people can still look like they have big butts while keeping sea turtles alive. I still have hope that together, we can save the planet. We’re gonna have to save our asses by shrinking them.