New Anti-Homeless Benches Just Giant Metal Spikes

LOS ANGELES — In response to increasing numbers of homeless people, city officials yesterday finished the first installation of their project to redesign anti-homeless benches, but people worry that the giant spike design might be uncomfortable for those who wish to sit on them. “The current bench designs still allow homeless to stay in one spot for too long,” said LAPD officer Scott Mays, who many claim has held his officer spot for too long after a slew of abuse of power allegations. “Despite the fact that if one were to sit on top of the new benches they would be impaled through the whole of their body, it doesn’t matter that the average commuter has no place to sit during the day so long as homeless people can’t sit anywhere, ever.” Budget reports reveal that millions of dollars went into the research of this relatively simple conical shape despite homeless shelters still being underfunded.

About Carl Hatch 16 Articles
Carl Hatch is from Long Beach, California, or more appropriately, Strong Beach. He has also seen the video "Llamas With Hats" and The Walking Dead, so don't even ask.