Math Major Aspires to 69

WESTWOOD — Second-year applied math student Jake Willow has a dream: to someday 69. “I’ve spent a lot of time in college learning about math, but I’ve never had the pleasure of performing the sex act known colloquially as ‘69,’” said Willow, as his rolling backpack nipped at his cargo-pants-clad ankles. “It’s like they say: You can study all you want, but experience is the best teacher… and my schedule is wide open! I know calculus, I know linear algebra, I know discrete math, but won’t one of you lovely ladies allow me to study the curvature of your body?” When reached for a comment, the district attorney stated there are ten restraining orders filed against Willow, three of which have been filed by his mother.

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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.