CENTURY CITY CHAGEE — After months of feeling a “spiritual connection” to Japan, a local performative male has just discovered a groundbreaking revelation: the wonders of Chinese culture.
“我叫老外，很高兴认识你 — oh wait, sorry, you just met me at a very Chinese time in my life,” revealed third-year CS major and oriental studies minor Cole Anizer in glaringly broken Mandarin. “Real ones know that the cultural zeitgeist is becoming more Chinese. Labubus are just a preview of things to come — y’all better buckle up for Chinese winter.”
On the way from Chagee to Panda Express, his “favorite authentic Chinese restaurant,” Anizer passed a teenage girl wearing what he thought was a Faye Wong hoodie. He complimented it, telling her that Wong has always been his biggest idol and showing his six-day-old Letterboxd review of Chungking Express. The girl, clearly uncomfortable, revealed it was actually a Faye Webster hoodie, whom he claimed he had never heard of, despite the artist being #4 on his Spotify Wrapped last year.
Anizer’s antics would only become more unhinged at Panda Express. Anizer tried to impress the entire restaurant by loudly ordering in Mandarin, but it was completely unintelligible to both the Chinese family sitting in the corner and the Hispanic worker taking his order. His request for extra orange chicken was then interrupted by a deafening gong sound notification on his phone, which he excitedly explained meant his Taobao shipment of Chunghwa cigarettes and Nailong keychains had arrived.
“I feel so prepared to study abroad in Peking,” Anizer told the Enabler as he struggled to pick up a crab rangoon with chopsticks. “I did a Japan and Korea trip with my homeboys last summer, so once I get back, I’ll have been to all the countries in Asia!”
At the end of the interview, Anizer bowed to an elderly Asian woman exiting a store, calling her “auntie” and showing his Chinese character tattoo. The Enabler later found out that the woman was Cambodian.